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i'm replacing another member of staff for a while.....stood in front of the little blighters & announced, 'for the next few weeks we'll be finding out...' and was interupted by one of them shouting out 'how to be a Goth!?!?'




actually, I like my job at the moment. i'm fond of the pupils & have some great colleagues....there's a lot of bollocks to deal with as well though; I try to ignore that or deliberately subvert it...
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i had a real attack of the horrors a couple of evenings ago; it was such a heart-stoppingly beautiful dusk & I was overcome with this sense of dread that the number of such evenings i shall enjoy is finite, everything's passing.....I have this knowledge with me always of course, it used to keep me awake at night as a child, fearful of death, specifically of losing all that the world and life has to offer.....i think I had a very Greek Hades idea of the Afterlife.

T. said that I suddenly looked stricken..I actually had to sit down! If some one had some smelling salts in their bag, I should have had to have them. All very melodramatic & I am too old now for such goings-on.


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is evangeline ghastly; well, more specifically it is her wardrobe I hanker for.

dangerous behaviour: I have already filled out an order form for her...I just haven't yet printed 'confirm'....

eek!
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having been told it was World Goth Day, S. and I pulled out all the stops and embraced all the cliches.

We had just drunk 2 pints each of snakebite in the Black Bull before this photograph was taken and were up for anything!
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there's a picture of Morrisey on the third side
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My eldest son is travelling aroud Europe & today i had my first - and possibly 0nly - postcard.

On the back it says it is a picture of Castle Bran, but I'm not sure how as this seems to be a young lady???
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when vegetarians like myself wear foxfurs and gentlemen in Nazi uniform eat Victoria sandwich cake in the village hall and I decide heels more appropriate attire for cobbles than boots and I love the Saturnalian aspects of Haworth 1940's weekend....the fake babies & the fake babies in gasmasks







...& the wonderful music & the Winston Churchill lookalike




and the friendliness of the crowds, and the way the GIs are always late and its a running joke




it shouldn't be good, but it is.
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i went to see KISS




and enjoyed it.
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My knowledge of astrology is pretty basic; I can draw up a birth chart & interpret a little.

thank heavens (hee!) for t'internet, whe you can just look stuff up, & that is how I found out I have 'Lilith in Scorpio'!

and this is what it says:


"LILITH, THE BLACK MOON, POSITIONED IN SCORPIO
This position warns that it is especially important to be careful about relationships and habits. At worst you may face the threat of involvement in mafia structures. It is important to learn from the early childhood to gain control over jealousy, aggression, passions, and fears. This position may witness contacts with the black magic. You may have been involved in this during your past lives. You may have been a victim, an initiator, or a consumer of the black magic. This life may echo this experience. You may face strong opposition and persecution in this life. It may simply seem that you do not deserve this. Nevertheless this may be the retribution for the past mistakes. In this life you should avoid any contacts with magic, martial arts, and suspicious companies. You may get involved in a dangerous and harmful activity, which may bring disastrous effects. Avoid participation in risky and sharp situations. You should aim for harmony, peace, patience, wisdom, forgiveness, and moderation. Develop the perception of a peaceful and harmonious reality. Learn to value what you already have.
Lilith positioned in Scorpio is also linked to sadism and debauchery. In this life you may be prone to these qualities or you may suffer from genital diseases. You should avoid living in dark premises, cellars, or basements. Your living place should be close to nature. You should live in an open space. The sun should reach it.
Avoid any forms of dirt. You will definitely face it. Do not start analyzing the source of it. Do not start asking what it is or why you deserve it and etc. This analysis may bring you to the dark world. Simply retreat and give neither prominence nor space for all this in your life.
It is advisable to avoid black and brown colors in your outfit and environment."




oh dear.

I think that advice should have reached me sooner.

Meanwhile, here is one of my favourite aspects of Lilith.


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L. & I went to the local village disco; there was a 70's theme & i suspect the organiser was thinking D I S C O, but of course we thought



and pestered the poor DJ all night to play a track.

Eventually he gave up & played Wuthering Heights (as he should have done anyway, we are in Haworth for Heaven's sake!) and L. & I sprang onto the dance floor

AND EVERYONE ELSE SAT DOWN

mortified, we did THE ENTIRE ROUTINE, including cartwheels.

later, I woke up & thought OH MY GOD the village has just seen me, practically in my knickers, cartwheeling around the village hall .

but now i just think we were fabulous!
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on May Day morning i have always washed my face in the dew, & Saturday was no exception. I'd woken with a dreadful headache, but this little ritual helped and then I made a cup of tea & got dressed.

As i walked up into Haworth I saw a friend aranging a stall under a gazebo. She works at the playhouse & explained she was renting authentic vintage costumes for Haworth's 1940's weekend. So I had a bit of a rummage & came away with a 'fox fur'; the apostrophesa because it is no fox, it is grey, huge & i couldn't resist having such Carpathian company.

Then I bought rose perfume & walked home.

I watched an episisode of Sherlock holmes (Jeremy Brett era) and then a hailstorm began.

I fell asleep on the sofa after lunch (pea soup) then woke up & began to get ready for an adventure out in the evening; seeing friends I haven't seen in months.

But my headache had returned & I felt so flat & unusually tired. even their sparkling company couldn't liven me, so I came home after an hour or so.

To find that i was locked out!!

so, I knew my neighbour had a key...called round to collect it & was invited in & shown photographs of her son, who died last year. Photographs of him dying, dead then laid out in his coffin.

Needless to say, despite my fondness for the Strange and Unusual, this didn't help my fragile state & I had a feverish & hallucinatory night of bad dreams & terrors of the grave!

My neighbour is a lovely woman & I'm fond of her, but her Catholicism worries me...it reminds me of all the things i've renounced. maybe when i'm old, i'll do an Anne Rice?



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when I should be working, i'm often nosying around t'internet, & I especially enjoy reading things like Jillian venters site....Today she was talking about faux pas amongst Young Gothlings (she refers to them as Babybats)

so i thought i'd compile my own Confessional: The Things I did That make me Squirm with Embarassment!

1. used to favour bare feet & tatters & spent practically a year only dressing in white.

2. i used to exist on dry toast (because that was what catherine earnshaw ate) and hot chocolate (because that was all carmilla drank. Emerald green toe nails too, because of sally Bowles - I was all about Literary References!

3. OF COURSE I wrote poems; i still have a battered journal full of them & Tortured Thoughts too. Its not to hand, or I'd share one with you, but they were all along the lines of 'lost in sadness, i sing to a bitter sky & pray to die'. Oh dear oh dear oh dear.

4. I once pretended to be Russian & even had an accent.

5. Had,and frequently wore until i was in my mid 20's, long velvet dresses , usually in purple, that I made sure to trail along the ground. I once told someone i wanted to create the impression i'd just crawled out of the tomb! I was 20 at the time; there's no excuse!!!







of course, i still stand by some things i did....i still love to dress up, i still love a particular aesthetic, i still love to read ghost stories & go for walks at dusk & watch the bats come out & listen to Dead Can Dance etc etc etc but i'm old enough now to know the difference between doing such things because i love it & not because I'm just trying to create an impression (although I still do enjoy sometimes creating a particular impression!)
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I'm so bored of myself; bored of always feeling anxious, awkward, exhausted, inept etc....I think instead I am just going to be fabulous!






I am going to try out this theory that by acting in a particular way, eventually it ceases to be pretence & becomes one's habitual way of being & behaving.
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oh this is sad.
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i saw this in Newcastle when I was still at school....I suppose this was about 1980, because i remember being frightened to travel home again after I caught the train....there was a creepy tunnel leading from the station then thru' a small woodland. I love it when my imagination runs away with me!

I can't remember however who i went with.....I want to say it was with Claire, who shared my delight in such things as velvet, patchouli, veils, graveyards, Syd Barrett, poems and, of course the Darkly Romantic.

we believed....rightly or wrongly...we channeled a fusion of Kate Bush, Sarah Bernhardt & Lucy Westenra to Morpeth!!

I lost touch with her, sadly, as she simultaneously fell in love & tried to commit suicide.....she just vanished. Of course, I had already left Northumberland, but my letters to her went unanswered.
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my grandmother used to tell me stories of her odd litle adventures and for some reason this one popped into my head this evening




before she married, she worked as a maid in a big old house in the wilds of Northumberland. This was the 1920's. She had a pet fox & used to stay up all night dancing with my grandfather & her ambition was not to marry, but to be a cook...anyway, i digress...

she had to share her room with another girl. Although my grandmother wouldn't easily use the word, this girl was a lesbian & one night, she made a pass at my grandma BUT before my grandmother could turn her down a BAT flew thru' the open window and the girl, convinced it would tangle up in her hair, grew hysterical & tore down the bedroom curtains to wrap herself up in!

Her hysteria apparantly caused her to be TAKEN AWAY TO THE LOCAL ASYLUM!!! (coincidentally I worked there one summer)

Goodness me.
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T. & I do like to explore ruinous castles...today we went to Bolton Castle, which is no where near Bolton.





amongst other things, this castle is famous for being a former 'prison' for Mary Queen of Scots. Her ghost is said to linger there, and wanders around dressed entirely in black...coincidentally I was doing exactly the same! only I had cherry ice cream.

we'd gone there because we both fancied a maze....there is one there, but its far smaller than its promotional photograph suggests. Nonetheless, we still got tricked up in it.



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I have to be wary of the sunshine as it gives me (can give me) terrible migraine, so I tend not to venture out if I can avoid it.

I have really enjoyed the last few days of idleness; reading books (The Little Stranger, Perdido Street Station and Her Fearful Symetry....yes yes i know thats not how you spell symetry ....I like the idea of ghosts curling up in drawers)

eating chocolate, drinking chocolate, having patchouli baths & dyed my hair a kind of dark brown, which originaly seemed more purplish & now seems reddish. I've had plenty of time to contemplate THINGS.

my sister reminded me that it was the anniversary of our mother's death....the same day as the ghost hand.....

tonight I'm going to see a Smiths tribute band! should be fun, I hope.

one week more of self indulgence.....any one care to set me a random task/challenge?
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i woke up during the night because I was too hot (t. and a cat to blame) and pushed the quilt to one side and put my left leg out and over the quilt to cool down.

No sooner than i had done this i felt a hand close around my ankle, push it away and back under the quilt....i thought it was T. of course, being all territorial with the bed; until i realised his hands were up by the pillow & no where near my ankle! i grabbed his hand and woke him up at this point.....it was still dark, but i patted the quilt and found the cat fast asleep in the middle of the bed....i remember thinking it must be a ghost, but for some reason this didn't alarm me & i went to sleep again
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went to see derren brown last night.




my late husband was in the Magic Circle, so i do have quite an appreciation of this kind of show, but I think Mr. Brown is clearly having demonic help!

I could only work out one trick..the rest just defy explanation! i wish my lovely S. was here to appreciate it.(do I REALLY want to know how its done???)
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